Why do I/We keep asking?

The following questions were posted by my sweet 2nd cousin by marriage, Rachel.

What words are there left to use when the one person who should get you the most doesn’t? What is left to say when you’ve tried all your life to be understood and still haven’t been? How do you keep putting your heart out, just to have it broken over and over? What can you do to be seen for who you are, nothing more, nothing less?

I asked her if I could share them and use them to jump into a blog post and she graciously said yes.

This was my reply, 

This is probably the hardest question we ask ourselves. I have asked this question so many times and eventually have to remember that Christ loves me for me, just the way I am and there is nothing I can say or do to change anyone's mind. I wish I could give you a big hug and make those people who you crave so much in your life understand who and what they are missing. I love you Rachel!!! And most importantly God loves you, Andy loves you and you are surrounded by so many friends who love and care about you!!! Sending big hugs!!!!

But the mind is now racing and I find myself wanting to write more...

I can't remember how many times I sat in my therapist's office, her home or our pastor's office and asked "Why doesn't she love me? What did I ever do to make her hate me so much?  How many times to I have to beg her to just love me, heck just like me?"  

First I find myself asking in regards to my mom?  Then my dad? Then my sister? And then I shed tears beyond measure wondering why I am so unloveable?  All I've ever wanted is for my mom to say she loved me.  For my dad to say he loved me, for my sister not to hate me but also those questions still go unanswered and as far as I know in this lifetime will never be answered.  

My mom is no longer here, she has been gone for almost 13 years, my dad it's been almost 17 and my sister has refused to speak to me since September 2008 ~ yes almost 10 years!!!  

I could drive myself crazy by asking these questions over and over.

In fact, I almost did!!!

I almost let the pain of the little girl growing up, being called "idiot child," "one of my three mistakes," and "problem child" win!!!

But with the love of my husband,

the love of my Abba Father, the love and care of

friends and some family members, therapists and counselors who did not give up on me,

the love of my son's, their sweet wives and the smiles of my grandchildren

I came to realize that there wasn't anything

I could do to make my mom love me, my dad smile in his eyes when he saw me,

or even get my sister to like me much less talk to me.

BUT

what I could do is be the woman 

God created me to be!!!

A woman who loves her husband,

even when he does stupid things

and yet loves me unconditionally, day in and day out,

when I have tried his patience to the end.

A mom and grammy who would do anything in her power 

to make her children and grandchildren smile and laugh

and know that no matter what they did or didn't do know

without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved!!!

And mean the world to me!!!

I am the woman God created.  

I am far from perfect

but I am genuine and I care with my whole being.

I love to make others smile,

I hate when people are hurting,

I cry at the drop of a hat,

laugh when I should cry,

swear when I shouldn't,

try to be an encourager

and yet still make mistakes and say stupid things

BUT 

I don't try anymore to get people

to like me ~ either they do or they don't.

I make choices now based on what I feel is right,

what's right for me and my husband.

I say I'm sorry when I'm wrong

and probably even when I'm not.

I wish I could say I haven't asked myself 

the why? how come? what can I do?

in many years

but every once in awhile

I still ask, I wonder

and I even picture having that one more conversation with my sister

(she's the only one left)

and then I have to remember to 

STOP

and look at what I am:

I am blessed beyond measure!!!

I am loved by those who mean the most to me!!!

And

again

So my sweet Rachel,

remember you are loved by many,

the many who bring you blessings,

who are about you

and know what a wonderful

woman, wife and mom

you are!!!

And the one think I remind myself of often,

their behavior and actions 

are their loss.

And we are 

Blessed 

Beyond

Measure!!!!

Changes on the Horizon ~ Yes AGAIN!!

And once again, we are making changes.

Well, in fact, we have already made some changes in our lives and more changes are coming.  

On April 19 we gave our notice at Hi~Road Campground.

Things were just not working for us.

Both of us were having some issues.

And so we began praying for what to do next.

Our friends, Gary & Amy called one day and asked if we had ever thought of Gate Guarding?  Yes, a few years back and now the opportunity was presenting itself once again.  So we decided to take the plunge.

April 22 was our last day at Hi~Road Campground.

We left there on Monday, April 23.

We went to

which has a brand new campground and stayed for two days.

On Tuesday, April 24

we went to the

Tuweap, which is part of the North Rim of the

Grand Canyon!!

We hiked around for about 45 minutes, 

got a bit of a sunburn

but enjoyed seeing God's beauty!!

On Wednesday, April 25

we made our way to 

Las Vegas Thousand Trails.

It has been warm, sunny and wonderful to be back

where our lives started together.  

One day we drove around and found our the church we first met at

Desert Hills Baptist Church

 It has definitely changed from the one building located on a gravel road

to a huge sanctuary

To our first apartment ~ 

inside the red door, up the stairs to the apartment on the left.

The only difference, it has since been painted.

We then drove to the hospital where

Royce & Jamie were transferred after their birth.

Can't believe it has been over 40 years!!!

We are so thankful for the doctors who treated our boys

And then a stop at the cemetery

where Royce was laid to rest.

We were pleasantly surprised to see someone had put 

two pinwheels on his grave.

And then we drove up to Hoover Dam,

Boulder City and Lake Mead

where we spent many a weekend.

Note: the four islands behind us used to be one little island,

that is how low the water level is now.

It has been good to be back in 

Las Vegas for a few days

but work is calling our names.

Tomorrow we begin our trek back to Texas

where we will finish up the paperwork

and get our fingerprints taken (again ~ you would think in this day and age, they would transfer from one business to another).

And begin the next adventure of

our life together.

Stay tuned to see where we go and what we do!!!

LOVE

As I made my way to the living room I glanced back at Ron who was still sleeping and my heart just warmed up.  I am so blessed to be loved by him.  I am loved beyond measure.  I don't deserve that love YET Ron continually loves me.  He tells me not only in words but in little things he does ~ like doing the dishes each morning, letting me sleep in on days off, holds me when I ask and even when I don't.  

And for 42 years we have had this crazy conversation

we don't yell it ~ we laugh over and over ~ I love Ron more because I have to produce more love to go around him but he will tell me he loves me more because there is more of him to produce more love.  I think we are both right.

But OH how God's love is so much more!!!

and 

He commands us to love one another

It's not easy to always love someone

and I know I haven't always loved the way I should

My prayer this morning

Lord, help me to love as you have loved me,

help me to extend grace and mercy,

as you do for me each day.

Help me to remember I can love

because you first loved me!

Love

just love 

one another.

What a beautiful world we would live in,

if people first just loved one another.

Feeling Nudged!!

This morning as I prayed asked the Lord what did He want to teach me today?

My devotion was titled 

Reconciliation

And immediately my sister, Joanie, came to mind

As I mentioned many times in my blog,

Joanie has chosen not to speak to me since 2008 and only a few times

before then since 1990.

Yet again, this morning I am nudged by God 

to reach out to her one more time.

This blog is the only way I have to communicate with her ~

so this morning I say again

Joanie...I don't know what I did or said that makes you hate me, makes you choose to isolate yourself from your family.  

I can't fix anything, I can't address the issue

you speak to me.

You have my email and you know you can contact our niece to get our phone numbers

but as they say

So once again,

life is too short to not spend time with your family.

You have two nephews who speak of you

and wonder what is going on that you don't want anything to do with them.

You have two niece-in-loves who I believe you would enjoy knowing.

And you have 5, FIVE, great nephews and nieces

who you would enjoy and see how they carry on the 

Nelson/Lockwood traits.

So once again,

I say,

I miss you, I love you

and I really wish

we could be friends and family.

Our parents are gone,

our sister is gone,

let's be sisters

like God intended.

A Fast Paced Week!

Whew!  I'm tired and I think Ron is too!!!

Last I wrote the travel trailer, aka Gypsy ~ I want to start really using her name, was at Bellringer's RV Repair,  1522 E. Tinsley Road, Waco TX 76706 (254) 662-0727 to get the necessary repairs from our blowout on the road the end of December and to get the bearings greased for our trip.

We picked up Gypsy on Monday, January 22nd and she looks mighty spiffy. 

We loaded up the groceries we bought before picking up Gypsy and then we were on the road to Bay Landing Thousand Trails Campground.  It was a nice campground ad we had a pull through spot. Knowing we were only going to be there one night we decided not to hook up.  It was a bit windy and we made the mistake of not putting the stablizers down for the night ~ so we did a lot of rocking and rolling!!!  We were off to bed before 10pm.  

Tuesday, Tuesday, January 23rd, morning we got up and was on the road by 9:09 am.  We had wanted to be on the road by 9:00 so we were pretty close to our schedule.  Off we went to Red Rock Canyon Sate Park to meet up with our friends, Gary and Amy for a couple of days.   Our original ETA was 1:02 pm and we actually arrived at 2:30 pm.  Not bad considering Ron was driving with a full on side wind the whole way and us old people need to stop to take potty breaks and then never coincide with stopping to get gas.  Heck, we use the restrooms every time we stop whether at a gas station to get gas or not. 

We had a great time relaxing and visiting with Gary and Amy.  Well, Amy and I did some relaxing and lots of visiting while Ron & Gary worked on a couple of projects on the Hector's motor home.  

Thursday, January 25 we each went our separate ways as the Hector's had to go back to work and we were heading to Amarillo, TX.  

We made a detour to go through Corn, OK.  Many of the Mennonite Brethren who escaped out of Russia/Siberia in the late 1920's settled in Corn.

saw lots of fields,

 and saw lots of cotton rolled and in the fields. 

 

and murals 

welcome sign & old truck

 the Mennonite Brethren Church on Main Street

some cool things in town

another mural and rectangle cotton ready for pick up

As we were headed to Amarillo we found out that our son, Brandon and his wife, Danalyn had some scheduling conflicts and both needed to be out of town at the same time for their jobs...so we did the only thing we knew to do...we changed our plans and decided to drive to Tucson in three days instead of 13 days!!!  

We followed the route we were going to take through Amarillo, TX to Roswell, NM to Alamogordo, NM, through Deming, NM on to Tucson, AZ.

We arrived on Saturday afternoon at Ron's cousins, Erv & Anita, who have graciously allowed us to park our trailer at their home.

Gateway to the Cousins!!

Sunday morning, super duper early, Ron took Ali to the Tucson International Airport.  Let me just say it is much bigger than Waco Airport!!!  But hey, the steps start adding up quicker that way.

Ron will be staying in Tucson,

hanging with his cousins and 

aunt & uncle

The flight was from Tucson to Phoenix to Portland, OR.  The flight was delayed by about 15 minutes in Tucson and over an hour in Phoenix.  The plane finally landed in Portland around 2:10 pm.  Danalyn, Treyson and Alexander picked Ali up at the airport as Christopher was over at a friends home and Brandon had already left on his business trip.  

There is nothing better than hugs and smooches from our grands!!

Stay tuned for more adventures with the 

Wandering Workentins!!

A Laid Back Day ~

Today was a laid back day.

Woke up about 10:30 when the phone rang, it was Ken from Bellinger RV Repair here in Waco, TX.  He wanted to let us know that in greasing the bearings on the trailer he found the right passenger spring had been flattened from when we had the blowout ~ uh oh,  but he wanted to get our okay to repair it.  Of course, we are getting ready to hit the road and need our Little Home-on-Wheels road worthy.  Ken also confirmed the trailer will be ready for pickup Monday at 11:00 am!! Yippee!!!

With nothing on our must do list today we decided to take one more road trip before we leave Waco next week.  So off we went to Athens,
Texas that is!!!

Here are some pictures from our drive today.

Hope you enjoy them!!

First stop was Historic Downtown Corsicana, TX

Old buildings,
statues,
murals,
courthouse and old church.

  

As we were leaving the historic area we saw this old trolley car,

Ron said "they must have used a great lift kit on that thing."

And then we found ourselves in the small town of Kerens, TX,
population 186 and this very beautiful
Veterans Memorial Park

As we were walking back to the car memories of our time in Holland surfaced,
the cobblestone streets reminded us of the center square at
Camp New Amsterdam where we were stationed
from November 1977 to January 1979.

Now that is one place we could go back and visit.

Our travels continued on 

through Athens ~ never saw a sign or anything that

seemed picture worthy

until we turned onto 

Highway 19 and headed back to Waco

and we saw the sun trying to peek out

from the clouds!

 We are now settled in for the night
and trying to figure out
what tomorrow will look like.