Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Sitting Here

This morning as I sit at my laptop working on weekly reports and thinking about finishing up our daily logs for this week, 
my heart aches,
tears are flowing,
and I am questioning.

I know and believe in my heart the Lord opened the doors for us to be here at the Methodist Boys Ranch
but today I am not too sure.

The last 2.5 days have been a living nightmare here.
Boys doing what they want, when they want,
regardless of what either Ron or I say to them.

We don't ask much of them,
but I guess it is too much.

This weekend The Compassion Experience is happening here in Waco.  I am hoping the other set of house parents will take our boys to it.
To give these boys a dose of reality
and a glimpse of the real world.

They think life is so tough here,
try living in a third world country where you have no idea where your next meal is coming from or even when that meal might happen.

I was abused as a child and as a teenager
and I made a promise to myself that once I was an adult and living on my own
I would not be abused again.

But I sit here
asking why?
why am I allowing it to continue?
how many times do I allow the boys to abuse me?

It's hard to write up daily logs and share what is happening with the boys when everything seems so negative.
And trying to teach these boys to be respectful to one another, to other adults, to those who care about them is doubly hard when you have an adult come into a room and start talking smack to the boys and dishing it out
and the boys feel they have no recourse 
except to do the same back to that "adult."

I am ready to step out of the situation
and say, "You know what, I gave it my all 
and the all is now empty.  I need to take care of me, take care of my relationship with my husband, take care of my marriage, take care of my soul and heart and mind.

I am thankful we are going into our off week.
I am not sure what will happen next Wednesday when we are due to be back at work.  

But I can't keep doing this.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Going Around in Circles

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I woke up this morning way before the alarm was set to go off
so headed out to the living room for some study time.  
I fixed me a bottle of water, grabbed my Bible and notebook
and settled myself in the recliner.

As I began writing I asked the Lord to show me what he wanted me to focus on today.
Today is our Monday,
the first day back at work,
with lots already on the calendar:
Changeover Meeting at 9,
Normalcy Training from 10 to 12,
Ron has a follow up dental appointment at 12:50,
Pick up boys at 3:30 and then go, go and go some more.

I opened my notebook ~ it has been 16!!! days since I last spent any time in the Word, being quiet before the Lord!!!  
Where is my follow through?
What happened to my intentions?
No, don't go down the trail of beating myself up ~
it is what it is!!

No excuses!  It is what it is!!!
My mouth/teeth are killing me ~ I know I need to get back to the dentist.
What goes through my mind is FEAR of the dentist, COST of any procedures,
but the pain is so intense...grabbed a couple of Ibuprofen,
back to my Bible and spending time in God's word.

I prayed "Lord, show me what you want me to focus us today"

Luke 17:1-10
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"Lord help me not to be a stumbling block to others, forgive those who hurt me, no matter how many times they hurt me,  help me to respond in Love & Respect"

2 Timothy 4:6-8
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"Lord help me to fight the good fight, help me to finish the race strong and most importantly, help me to keep my faith strong in You!"

~ Quitting is not an option
~ Need to believe and that IT (whatever IT is) can be done
~ Do not let discouragement or unbelief set in
~ Run with purpose, keep focused on the goal
~ Don't let negative talk control me
~ Keep moving forward, keep your eyes on the end goal
~ Remember challenges can be overcome
~ Keep moving, one foot in front of the other

"Lord help me to focus on today, the moment, the Big and Short goals.  Lord help me to keep Your word on the tip of my tongue."

Hebrews 10:23
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God is faithful.
The promises he makes, he keeps.
If I am determined to hold on, the fog will eventually clear.

Where does
"going around in circles"
come from...
I find myself starting over so often!
But then I am reminded that 

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And so I tell myself it's okay to go in circles,

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because even going round in circles the journey
is a bit different.

Thank you Lord for this journey I am on.
Thank you Lord for supplying all our needs.
Thank you Lord for loving me just the way I am,
in all my foibles and along all the circles I find myself going,
Thank you Lord for never letting me go.
Thank you Lord that you give us "redo's"
Thank you Lord for this life you have given me!

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Sitting Here

Sitting here not sure if I should cry or not cry, laugh or scream.  I hate dislike that I take things so personally.  I just want to scream ~ you don't like it when people hurt you, why do you purposefully hurt me???  But why waste my  breath ~ I am sure you don't know why you do what you do.

But I push away anytime we start to get close, if you push away first then it won't hurt so do I know this??  Because I did this for years.  My heart craves to be loved and liked but my mind says "no way"  you aren't going to hurt me too.

And I let him win...he egged me on all evening and then I stooped to his same behavior and yes I hate that, I am disappointed in myself.

I've been told, don't let the boys see your emotions, you must remain neutral ~~ that is so friggin' hard!!!

Today I'm ready to throw in the towel, run to avoid being hurt over and over but I can't ~ I know that God opened the doors for us to be here at the Boys Ranch and yes most days go smoothly and YES we have seen positive changes in the boys we live and work with ~ BUT it hurts so much when they attack, are disrespectful and openly defiant....I just don't have the tough skin I need...or at least it sure doesn't feel like it today.

So the choice is mine...and I am choosing to fake it till I make it; put on the smiling face and go through the motions.

I know so much influences our day-to-day ~ one of them being tired and YES we are tired ~ we have worked 36 days out of the last 47 days and yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  We have six more nights/days of work and then we will have our week off...don't really have many plans...a few doctor appointments, an appointment to get the tires rotated on the Expedition which means a walk through Costco!!  Hopefully we will get in lots of naps and true rest.

And the dynamics in our home unit have been changing...change is hard, hard on the boys, hard on us and especially hard on the new boys coming into our unit.  Tuesday one of our boys returned after being gone for 9 days and we got a new boy.  Today we are getting another new boy ~ new to us but not new to the ranch, so we know what some of the issues are going to be and I feel like I have to put on my steel armour and be ready to battle...I don't like that feeling...battles are no fun and no one really ever wins.

Add in frustration with administration of no follow through on things they say will happen or not happen.

Giving us tasks with only partial information and then getting upset with us because we didn't to it right...can't have it both ways.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

You Know You Are

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when both House Parents are ready to
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Trying to do the best we can
when we don't have all the information
So you make a decision
then get reamed out!!!
Because it was the
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thing to do!!!

Well if you want us to do the right thing
and not think for ourselves
then give us all the 
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that we need to do our jobs!!!

Today is one of those 
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that we question are we in the 
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Sunday, September 10, 2017

Continuing the Search....

to get myself organized 
and back on track 
doing the things I want/need to do.

The two biggest things I want to do yet never seem to find the time is to 
write and spend quality time with the Lord.

I am hoping that

will help me get back on track.

It is called Compass.

If you would like to join me,
click on the link above.

Monday, September 4, 2017


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I wish there was a magic button to turn off expectations!

Things seem to be going well 
and then

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I think I need to set a timer to go off every 30 minutes
so I won't be surprised when things change on a dime.

Things are going well and then
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no cooperation,
smart alecky comments,

and then

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It's so hard to keep 
feelings inside,
to keep my mouth shut
and not to take things personally.

Makes me realize how much I have grown
and at the same time realize how
much my past behavior was so hurtful to so many.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock with the knowledge I have today;
back to when our boys were little, 
to their young teenage lives,
to their teenage years.

But I can't!

What I can do is learn from the past,
make positive choices today,
and continue to trust the Lord to be with me/us
as we do our work here
Trying to remember the good things,
Saturday night being asked by one of our boys to buy him a Bible
Sunday buying that Bible

and laughing and joking with all the boys.

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on Sunday and watching one young man eat 8!!! yes 8 pancakes

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this morning and watch that same young man eat 6!! yes 6 waffles!!!

Sitting here in tears
wanting to yell at someone
instead choosing to 
write and write some more!!

Was going to send a 
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email to a couple of friends
and decided against that.

Decided instead to write here ~
and try to 

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I turned the TV off, 
one boy is playing games on his phone,
one boy is at athletics,
one boy is playing on the XBox
and one is outside being watched by my sweet hubby!!

So thankful he able to remain 
calm and patient
when all I want to do is react!!!

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Feelings Running Amok!!!

I am really struggling this week.
Short fuse :(
Frustration :(
Exhausted :(
(and don't understand why???)

I am feeling blessed ~ 
great relationship with our boss
loved by so many
for the most part financially stable
blessed by K & J with a new to me laptop
loving watching our MCH boys maturing in a positive manner
loved by the best husband in the world
have two healthy sons & their families
five healthy and lovable grands

and yet little things are bugging the crap out of me!!

why can't I get quicken to work on the laptop???

why am I so exhausted ~ especially since we had a great week of rest???

craving salty foods like crazy!!!

did I say I am tired!!!!

Sitting Here

This morning as I sit at my laptop working on weekly reports and thinking about finishing up our daily logs for this week,  my heart ache...