Continuing to Grow and Learn ~~ RAW and Uncensored

Each day is a new day,

each day is a new opportunity to grow and learn,

sometimes those opportunities are painful and confusing, 

guess if it was easy I probably wouldn't learn stuff...

this past week has been a difficult one and yet filled with so many blessings.

I tend to focus on the negative though most people think I am positive and encouraging...I try to be, especially to others but not so much to myself.

My Word/Phrase for 2020 is

Chaos to Calmness

And the Lord has been encouraging and challenging me in so many ways.

One is this study

It is supposed to be an 11 ~ 12 week study but I have decided to take it slow...one page a day and truly focus on what I am reading and learning about.  It is a combination journal/coloring book study...right up my alley!

This morning Ron was up with the kids and I buried myself in my recliner with a cup of coffee, my Bible, the above book, my colored pens and just sat for a few minutes.  

As I began to read pages 9 to 13 ( the introduction and through the first page of chapter one) I would find myself racing to read and then telling myself slow down, listen to the words, understand the words...so many things jumped out at me...

... even though Paul was no stranger to hardship, he weaves threads of joy, unity and Christlikeness throughout his letter to the Philippians.  He encourages us to stand firm!   Philippians fills us with hope of God's promises and His faithfulness.

Time...things happen over time and it takes 

for things to change, that change could come in an instant like someone dying in an accident or days or weeks or even months and years ... like someone dying from a serious illness like cancer.

And I need to remember to give myself TIME to enjoy each day,

time to be in the Lord's Word,

time to be with family & friends,

It takes time to get somewhere and so it takes time to heal, learn and grow.

And my time today to write is ending as we have

errands to run and things to do with these kiddo's and my hubby

so I leave you for now...

...stay tuned for more!

How Does the Lord Speak to Me ~ Mysteriously and Amazingly!!

It's been a rough few weeks as a house parent here in Yoakum, TX, feeling like our wheels were spinning out of control, wondering what could we do differently, what were we doing right?  Asking ourselves question after question and crying way too many tears...one day in desperation I posted on Facebook

"I give up!  I don't know what to do!"

And my bestie replied "Pray!"

And so I laid my head in my hands and cried out to the Lord.

I was feeling so incomplete, a lousy home mom,

and wondering what to do with a child who just didn't seem to want to learn, accept responsibility for her actions, who was doing the blame game like a pro and was defiant at every corner and turn.

So I cried out to the Lord!!!

Help me, please help me!!!

And then looked up some scripture and this came up

I poured my heart out to my Bestie in an email, she knows me and yet is not involved in the trenches of being a home parent, I cried on my sister here at BBYR and reached out to our ladies prayer group to pray, just pray for me, for the little girl, for us, for our home.

And what came to me, through my prayers, through the sweet counsel of words from my Bestie, encouragement from my sister is

CHAOS to CALMNESS

and that's what we need to do

We need to take the chaos of these children's lives

and lead them to calmness.

This resonated with me

for I was once the little girl, young adult, young wife & mom

who's life was filled and swirled with chaos...

...why didn't I see it...maybe because I am too close

But with the loving and encouraging words

and being open to what the Lord wanted me to see and learn

is that it is my responsibility to

be the CALMNESS in our lives of CHAOS!!

I found these...they all spoke to me...

and

is this bridge from land to sea

or a mountain top to the sky

I see water a little turbulent on one side

and calm on the other...with a walkway to between

I have chosen to be the house mom to these three little's

and God has shown me this week,

over and over

He is Perfect,

not me!

He is filled with Love

and can fill me with love for these kiddo's.

Remember it is God's way, not mine!

Every resource I have is from the Lord,

He is enough and will provide all I need,

each and every step of the way.

Remember to say YES!!!

Remember to pick my battles!!!

Remember we are all a work in progress!!!

And sometimes it's okay to say

Lord...help me!!! I don't know what to do!!!

Set boundaries but know some can be changed

And from our sermon yesterday...

..."I don't have to be afraid of something being taken from me, or in giving to those who ask of me, or in lending of what I have to others.  I am even free to give to my enemies!!!

And even though sometimes it feels like these kiddo's are out to get me...

...really all they want is to be loved!!

And isn't that what we all want:

So to answer the question I asked at the beginning:

God speaks to me through His Word, friends, in the quiet of the morning hours, through songs, through sermons and in my heart.

How do you hear God speaking to you?

******************************************************************

I like to choose a word or a phrase for each year.

Past words have been

flexible,

intentional,

grace (to myself and others)

soft 

and this year,

the theme of the past few weeks

have been

Chaos to Calmness

and so I am choosing

I want to be CALM in my spirit...

CALM in my heart...

CALM in my reactions...

CALM in my tone...

and have

CALMNESS in our home!!!

Do you choose a word to focus on throughout the year?

I give up!!!
I don't know what to do????

I give up!!!
I don't know what to do????

December Already

Once again I can't believe it has been over a month since I last wrote here on my blog.  I have been trying to write a little something each day in my day planner/journal ~ some days it's one sentence sometimes it four or five...

This morning the desire and urge to write is strong so I thought ...Just Write!!!

This morning I received the following scripture and devotion and it resonated with me...

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Our work for the Lord is always meaningful when done with the intentions of drawing others to Him. We may not see some of the fruit from the seeds of hope and love we plant into others lives, but the Lord will bless our every effort to share His truth and obediently follow Him. We must not give up or become discouraged if the results we are wanting do not happen right away. Only the Lord can change hearts and save people, our responsibility is shining His light onto others and sharing His love with them through our words and actions. You never know whose feelings you may change or affect by letting the Lord work through you in every area of your life. As our hearts are filled with compassion and we are dedicated to serving the Lord, it is literally life changing and an experience we won't want to miss out on sharing with others.

The last month has been a rough one here in our home, 

having an 11 year old who is more likely to steal and/or lie begins to take a toll.

We have prayed with and for this little girl,

we have given out consequences, taken away privileges, 

talked and been silent

but nothing seems to get through to her.

The last two days have been very difficult

and I have found myself praying and crying out to the Lord...

"I just don't know what to do!"

and this morning my friend, Kim sent me the above scripture and devotional

and I knew the Lord had heard my cries.

One of my goals this year has been to spend time each morning in the Word before the children get up and finally the last half of November and so far the first four days of December I have met that daily goal...

So much more to write,

but the clock is ticking and this foster mom

needs to get these little's up and ready for the day!!!

Hopefully it won't be so long before I write again :)

JOY!

Joy

the word that has jumped out at me this morning.

Joy in the little things, not just the big things.

Joy in watching a 5 year old eat a piece of cheese pizza,

with pizza sauce from one cheek to the other, 

laughing as she talks about her day.

Joy when struggling with a decision, knowing that

with the help of the Lord HIS Joy will shine through me.

thank you Lord for your word for me today

JOY

Jesus

Others

You (or self)

Something I was taught many years ago,

it's not about me or what I have 

it's about trusting and believing in

Jesus,

Loving Him

and then loving others as HE as loved me

and does love me.

Lord as this new day dawns,

help me to show Your love to those we come into contact with,

especially as we prepare for a new day with these 

three little's you have entrusted in our care...

Lord thank you for this second chance of being a good parent

to those who don't have a mama or daddy to love on them;

guide us as we nurture and love on them

and also as we love and continue 

our relationships with our own sons and their families. Amen.

Wondering about a Dream I had.

I woke up just after 5:00 this morning from a strange and disturbing dream....

I was at an apartment complex/condo of some sort and two little boys came into the room I was in and was laughing and talking with each other about how they just shot and killed some lady and who could they kill next.  I don't know how I did it but I grabbed their guns and made them sit on the couch while waiting for the police to arrive.

In the apartment/condo with me was my Pastor, Charles, a girlfriend but I couldn't identify her, my lawyer and someone else I couldn't identify and we were all busy gathering evidence all the while being very aware of what the little boys had done.

I was very unsettled when I woke up...why do little boys have guns?  who are they killing?  thankful I was able to over power them and hold them till the cops were able to arrive and that I wasn't alone.  I then opened my email and this was the top email...my verse for the day...

Christ has redeemed me!!!  

No matter what has happened or is going on

Christ has redeemed me!!!

I sent out a quick message to our BBYR Ladies Prayer group along with the above scripture that I read, said a prayer of thanksgiving to the Lord for His timely Word, rolled over and slept for about another 90 minutes.

Thank you Lord for a new start to my day!!!

Frustrated...

LONG POST!!!!
Today is filled with lots of frustration...frustration that the insurance company now has the power to decide what medical care I am able to receive and what medications are okay for me to take...okay this is not a new frustration...we have had multiple times where myself or one of the boys or Ron has gone to the doctor and the doctor has said "I want to you to have "this test" so we can find out what is going on with XXXX"  only to have the insurance company say they are not going to authorize that procedure or test.

Recently I have had my doctor request two different diagnostic tests...a ct scan for a possible femur fracture and a ct scan w/contrast to see why my liver tests/numbers all came back way higher than they should...nope, can't happen because the insurance company says "not medically necessary!"

Why oh why has our society gotten to the point that the almighty dollar/insurance company profits dictate our medical care?  And please don't say this is a Trump issue...it is not....I can think of two instances: one in 1992 when our son was having a heart procedure done and the insurance company approved the procedure and an emergency open heart surgery if needed and when the doctors did the procedure the first time it did not work, so they ran the procedure a second time and it worked!!!  Thank you Lord...it was as if our son had never had a heart problem which could have killed him if it was not protected....but wait, the insurance company refused to pay for the second procedure because it wasn't pre-authorized!!  After months of haggling with the insurance company and finally contacting the president of the insurance company (I personally knew him through my position at OptionCare) and described what was happening even he had to agree it was a no brainer for the them to pay for the second procedure ($15,000) vs if he would have had to have had open heart surgery ($100,000's)....

and in 1974 when I had to have my eye removed due to a medical issue and the insurance company told my mom that they would not cover a prosthetic eye for me because it was cosmetic!!!  Cosmetic!!!  what was a 16 year old girl supposed to do?? walk around with a pirate's patch for the rest of her life?????  Thankfully a good friend of my mom offered to and paid for my first artificial eye ($500)....so again this is not a new issue

but all this leads to my frustration today!!!  Society needs to change and let the doctors do the doctoring and the insurance company which rakes in millions of dollars a month pay the dang medical bills and stop trying to be the dang doctor!!!!

********
Frustration #2 - Facebook....I will be taking a self-induced break from FaceBook (after I post this link to this post)  I am tired of the negativity that people think they have the right to spew at me, at people in general when someone, me, post something on Facebook...what I have realized is that people only read what they want to read, just like our 10 year old foster daughter listens to only what she wants to listen to, they don't ask for more information before making rude or condescending comments they just assume they know the whole story....

So I have made the decision to just continue to use Messenger to keep in touch with those who I correspond with that I can't reach other ways, and live in the real world of writing letters/emails, calling/texting on the phone and in person, face-to-face conversations where maybe I won't be attacked or judged by people who only know what they think they know and not the whole story.

So...you can reach me through Messenger, telephone, text, email or even comments on my blog.  That is if you really want to have a real relationship with me and not hide behind your computer screen and make judgement calls with little or false information.

Questioning

Lord, I come to you this morning asking you to reassure me that things are the way they are supposed to be...Lord I am really wondering what I am doing?  I know in my head you have led us where you want us but this morning my heart is asking am I here for the right reasons? 

I have lots to do this morning/today Lord...help me to dwell on You and Your love for me, to keep trusting You and I ask You to guide me each and every step and with every word that comes from my mouth. 

Lord help me to show Your love to each of those I come into contact with.  I need You more than I could ever imagine.  Amen.