Thursday, September 14, 2017

Sitting Here

Sitting here not sure if I should cry or not cry, laugh or scream.  I hate dislike that I take things so personally.  I just want to scream ~ you don't like it when people hurt you, why do you purposefully hurt me???  But why waste my  breath ~ I am sure you don't know why you do what you do.

But I know...you push away anytime we start to get close, if you push away first then it won't hurt so bad...how do I know this??  Because I did this for years.  My heart craves to be loved and liked but my mind says "no way"  you aren't going to hurt me too.

And I let him win...he egged me on all evening and then I stooped to his same behavior and yes I hate that, I am disappointed in myself.

I've been told, don't let the boys see your emotions, you must remain neutral ~~ that is so friggin' hard!!!

Today I'm ready to throw in the towel, run to avoid being hurt over and over but I can't ~ I know that God opened the doors for us to be here at the Boys Ranch and yes most days go smoothly and YES we have seen positive changes in the boys we live and work with ~ BUT it hurts so much when they attack, are disrespectful and openly defiant....I just don't have the tough skin I need...or at least it sure doesn't feel like it today.

So the choice is mine...and I am choosing to fake it till I make it; put on the smiling face and go through the motions.

I know so much influences our day-to-day ~ one of them being tired and YES we are tired ~ we have worked 36 days out of the last 47 days and yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  We have six more nights/days of work and then we will have our week off...don't really have many plans...a few doctor appointments, an appointment to get the tires rotated on the Expedition which means a walk through Costco!!  Hopefully we will get in lots of naps and true rest.

And the dynamics in our home unit have been changing...change is hard, hard on the boys, hard on us and especially hard on the new boys coming into our unit.  Tuesday one of our boys returned after being gone for 9 days and we got a new boy.  Today we are getting another new boy ~ new to us but not new to the ranch, so we know what some of the issues are going to be and I feel like I have to put on my steel armour and be ready to battle...I don't like that feeling...battles are no fun and no one really ever wins.

Add in frustration with administration of no follow through on things they say will happen or not happen.

Giving us tasks with only partial information and then getting upset with us because we didn't to it right...can't have it both ways.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

You Know You Are

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when both House Parents are ready to
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Trying to do the best we can
when we don't have all the information
So you make a decision
then get reamed out!!!
Because it was the
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thing to do!!!

Well if you want us to do the right thing
and not think for ourselves
then give us all the 
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that we need to do our jobs!!!

Today is one of those 
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that we question are we in the 
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Sunday, September 10, 2017

Continuing the Search....

to get myself organized 
and back on track 
doing the things I want/need to do.

The two biggest things I want to do yet never seem to find the time is to 
write and spend quality time with the Lord.

I am hoping that

https://compass.intentioninspired.com?kid=H28RZ

will help me get back on track.

It is called Compass.

If you would like to join me,
click on the link above.


Monday, September 4, 2017

Expectations

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I wish there was a magic button to turn off expectations!

Things seem to be going well 
and then

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I think I need to set a timer to go off every 30 minutes
so I won't be surprised when things change on a dime.

Things are going well and then
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no cooperation,
smart alecky comments,

and then

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explodes!!!

It's so hard to keep 
feelings inside,
to keep my mouth shut
and not to take things personally.

Makes me realize how much I have grown
and at the same time realize how
much my past behavior was so hurtful to so many.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock with the knowledge I have today;
back to when our boys were little, 
to their young teenage lives,
to their teenage years.

But I can't!

What I can do is learn from the past,
make positive choices today,
and continue to trust the Lord to be with me/us
as we do our work here
Trying to remember the good things,
Saturday night being asked by one of our boys to buy him a Bible
Sunday buying that Bible

and laughing and joking with all the boys.

Making 
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on Sunday and watching one young man eat 8!!! yes 8 pancakes

and
making
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this morning and watch that same young man eat 6!! yes 6 waffles!!!

Sitting here in tears
wanting to yell at someone
instead choosing to 
write and write some more!!

Was going to send a 
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email to a couple of friends
and decided against that.

Decided instead to write here ~
and try to 

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I turned the TV off, 
one boy is playing games on his phone,
one boy is at athletics,
one boy is playing on the XBox
and one is outside being watched by my sweet hubby!!

So thankful he able to remain 
calm and patient
when all I want to do is react!!!







Thursday, August 31, 2017

Feelings Running Amok!!!

I am really struggling this week.
Short fuse :(
Frustration :(
Exhausted :(
(and don't understand why???)

Yet
I am feeling blessed ~ 
great relationship with our boss
loved by so many
for the most part financially stable
blessed by K & J with a new to me laptop
loving watching our MCH boys maturing in a positive manner
loved by the best husband in the world
have two healthy sons & their families
five healthy and lovable grands

and yet little things are bugging the crap out of me!!

why can't I get quicken to work on the laptop???

why am I so exhausted ~ especially since we had a great week of rest???

craving salty foods like crazy!!!

did I say I am tired!!!!



Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Ramblin' On


Our view this morning from our campsite at Lake Whitney.
We had a great six days off ~ lots of relaxing, went for a drive one day, friends visited on Sunday, we played cards and watched movies.  

Today we drove back to Waco,
got the trailer set up on the ranch ~ not sure when we will be going out in it again as the next few times we are scheduled off we are only off for three days.  Haven't heard when we can expect new house parents.  So we go day by day.

This afternoon we headed out to have a late lunch with some friends.  I found myself getting more and more 
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with Ron for taking a wrong turn,
with text messages giving me grief for being late.

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I should know better, it was after 2:00p and I hadn't had anything to eat ALL day!!  We had gotten up around 9 and started tearing down camp and getting ready to head back to Waco.  We got the trailer in its home here at the ranch and then unloaded the car, touched base with our UM Mr. Chris
and then headed out for the restaurant.
As we were driving, Ron missed a turn, we started arguing,
I wanted to throw my phone at him for getting mad because he missed the turn.
Got to the restaurant after multiple texts saying they wouldn't serve us if we weren't there by 2:15.  Got there at 2:10 and walked in.  
And from there I just fell apart and turned around and walked out.  
Sent a text to Ron to eat without me
(doesn't solve the problem that I haven't eaten all day)
walked over to the mall,
sat for a bit,
walked back to the car,
and laid down on the back seat.
About an hour later, Ron came out to the car
and we headed back to the ranch.
I did ask him to stop at HEB so we could pick up some fruit, cottage cheese and a few other things...$65 later we headed to the car.

Got back to the ranch,
unloaded the groceries,
ate some spring rolls and sushi,
drank a bottle of water,
watched the news ~
so much devastation in the Houston area.
Spent time talking with our friend Merel
and then watched some TV.

And setting up my new to me laptop.
Thank you so much K & J for blessing us.
Words can't express our thanks.

Planning our trip to Oregon and Washington
in November.
Can't wait to see our boys, their wives
and of course our grands!!!

Time to call it a night as 5:15 comes super duper early in the morning and we start working at 6 a.m. tomorrow!!!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

God's Perfect Timing ~ Always

I am always amazed how the Lord puts things in my path 
to remind me over and over that He is in control
ALL the TIME!!

This morning the picture below showed up on my Facebook feed.
This was after I had walked the circle,
talking to the Lord about why little things seemed to be really 
bothering me this morning.
Music too loud ~ every morning we have to tell D to turn his music down
Repeating daily to L to clean his personal area and under his bed
Giving a 5 minute warning "5 minutes to leave for breakfast" and then 
still have to wait on R to get his shoes on...
...little things that seemed to be mounting
and not knowing the reason why.

I began to think about the past few days ~

Sunday ~ we have talked over and over that we need to get connected to a local body of believers, yet with our schedule would going only every other week really meet our needs and could we become a part of a family only part~time?  We wouldn't know unless we tried.

A few weeks back I was going to go to Heart of Texas Cowboy Church but having a boy refusing to put on church clothes changed those plans.  I had left a message on HOTCC phone and about 12:45 the pastor, Jeremy, called me.  We chatted for about 10 minutes and he said to come any time we could.  We would always be welcome.  His phone call ministered to me and I could just feel Jesus' love coming forth.

Working lots of overtime right now (down a set of home~parents) makes our time off even more precious.  We said and knew we needed to get into a body of believers, we need to fill our soul, to be able to love on these boys in our care.  So we set our alarm (both woke before the alarm ~ definitely a God thing) and got ready to go to church.  As we pulled into the parking area people waved to us and walking in the door we were greeted by so many people, welcoming us, thanking us for coming.  First impression was ~ yes, this feels like home!!

The same feeling the first time we walked into 
Open Door Community Church in Cedar Creek, MO
we just knew it was home!!

And the same feeling we had when we walked into 
that second Sunday in November 2001!

The sermon was titled "Ride for the Brand"
from my notes ~

Drag Riders ~ Adapt and Overcome

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Do I dance with the designer (God) or the world?

Loving the world leads to destruction
Loving Jesus leads us to peace

It's not about stuff! Stuff does not make you happy.
Love makes you happy

Struggles keep us faithful

Stop living for the future ~ we never know if we will make it to the future

God's perfection is better than anything I could ever imagine!

As we drove away from HOTCC we both talked about how much we felt at home,
felt welcomed and definitely want to go back.  We have made plans to go back on our next Sunday off, August 27 even though we will be up at Lake Whitney that week ~ but that's okay, it's just an hours drive and so we plan to go back!!!

Monday ~ received the following devotion from Refuge Devotional by Roy Howdyshell

THE BIBLE SPEAKS TO US

DEVOTION FROM THE BOOK OF ROMANS

Romans 7:14-20

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to
sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I
myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that
is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do
not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I
do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

The Beast Within

Trying to eat healthy food over the holidays drives me crazy, and to be honest
it drives me crazy to eat so called Healthy Foods anytime. My question is, is
there really any kind of food you don't grow yourself that is really healthy?
But on to our Devotional today.

It isn’t that I don’t know what to eat. I know how to read food labels. I know
the difference between good and bad foods. I know how many calories I am
supposed to have in a day. I even know that I need to exercise, even though I
don't care to exercise. But when I am confronted with a plate of Christmas
cookies or a candy dish full of M&Ms and could name many other good things,  my
plan goes out the window. I know the food I should be eating, but it is not what
I end up eating. My appetite for sugar takes over. Is it too strong of a
statement to say I struggle with an unhealthy food addiction?

But here we see the apostle Paul is struggling with something much more serious
than junk food when he writes these words to the Romans. He is sharing his
addiction, an addiction we all share. It is an addiction to sin. Paul knew this
addiction first hand. He tried to stop sinning many times. He tried to be kind
and loving and compassionate at all times. He had plans to put others first and
to control his thoughts of lust, envy, greed, selfishness and anger, to name a
few. He had a great plan, but he still found himself sinning.

Yes time after time he found himself right back where he started, doing things
that he knew God hated, things that were wrong. This sin hurt his relationships
with other people, and even worse, threatened to completely destroy his
relationship with God. You see, Paul knew that he didn’t need to just work on
“self-control”. He realized that he was the problem. He had a sinful nature.
And, as a result, that sin living inside of him took over the steering wheel of
his life at times. He wasn’t trying to make excuses; he was just trying to state
reality, he was just being honest with himself. I think all of us can relate to
his misery. We end up doing the things we wish not to do, and the things we wish
to do we don't.

The answer for sin addiction does not come from inside of us. It comes from God.
The first step to getting help is to do what Paul did. He confessed his sin and
his inability to control his life. He asked
God to help, and he did, by sending Jesus. With the seed of faith in Jesus
planted in his heart, Paul now had good inside of him - good that came from God.
And so he committed himself to the daily struggle against sin.

Please remember that sin is anything that falls short of the glory of God. Do
you have sin with which you struggle? Take heart. Jesus has won the victory, and
he offers strength to you for your daily battle. Go to Him and ask him to help
fight your battle with sin or sins.

Prayer:

Dear Lord, I do things I don’t want to do all the time. Please forgive me. Take
away my guilt. Give me strength to continue to struggle to do what is right. Amen.

Need to talk to God?
He is only one knee-mail away

And I could see myself and so many of my struggles
of where I do the things I don't want to be doing
and not doing the things I need and want to do.

My prayer was that God would give me a redo ~ to start a fresh
just like God's mercies are new every day and I try to give that grace to our boys and I need to remember that God also gives those same mercies and grace to me.  To be aware of how I interact with the boys, 
to speak in love and remember the little things are just that, little.

And to focus on what's important.  
Is it really a big deal if their music is a bit loud,
if it's not bothering the other boys in their bedroom, why should it bother me,
and telling the same boy every morning to clean up his personal area
is really no different than reminding myself it's laundry day or time to do the dishes.

And then this morning,
this showed up
And I am reminded that life is full of little things,
yes we have rules and expectations,
but doesn't everyone?

And as I walked around the circle this morning,
I was reminded of God's beauty, seeing the cows out in the field,
the sun shining over the pond
and how precious life really is
and I prayed for the Lord to soften my heart 
a bit more, to not be so critical of the boys.

One of the new rules for the boys are no cell phones/accessories
at school ~ so Ron got a basket for those items, three of the four boys put their phones
and earbuds in the basket.  Ron explained if the boys lost their phone at school they would lose it for
24 hours here at home.  Three of them decided to put their phones in the basket.  

One of the things I am working on is not arguing with the boys about the rules.  Today is a good practice.  If D loses his phone at school, it just means he doesn't get it at home till tomorrow afternoon.

Here's to remembering 
in the big scheme of things
everything is a little thing!!

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Celebrating August Special Days

Celebrations!

You think of parties, cake, smiles.
But what do you do when the special days are filled with not only
laughter, fun and joy
but also filled with
tears, what if?

Every August
my heart swarms with love for our boys that were born on 
August 8, 1977

Royce Alan
and 
Ronald James (Jamie), Jr.

Jamie turned 40! this year!!
Jamie and Ron, Missouri 2015
We were so glad that Jamie was able to join us in May 2015 for 5 days 
at the grand opening of GUMI Camp USA

So many memories of Jamie,
~ 110' the day he was born
~ his first plane ride when he was 4 months old!
~ first day of kindergarten, going by the name "Ronald"
~ first day of 1st grade, wouldn't answer when the teacher called him "Ronald"
~ the 2' Christmas story with his 3rd grade teacher, Cory Crawford
~ numerous wrecks in our cars
~ first dates, first cars,
~ soccer, wrestling, track & field in high school
~ going to the Job Corps
~ joining the Army
~ spending 13 months in Kuwait & Iraq
~ becoming a daddy
~ becoming a husband
~ buying his first home
~ tickets to concerts

and so many more!!!!

*******************************************************************

And then
August 11 comes

Full
of precious memories
your dark hair,
your chubby cheeks,
your soft skin

Image result for pencil drawing baby boy sleeping
but then
Image result for blink of an eye everything can change

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For 39 years we have let
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and messages off 
hoping somehow they might just reach you.

But this year was different ~
we wanted to take the focus off our pain
and bring joy to someone else
so we went shopping
for little boy clothes,
a car, some paci's
and blue socks
and delivered them to the local hospital
as a gift to someone 
celebrating their new baby boy!

Royce Alan
we will never forget you!!!


Sitting Here

Sitting here not sure if I should cry or not cry, laugh or scream.  I hate  dislike that I take things so personally.  I just want to scream...