Sitting Here

This morning as I sit at my laptop working on weekly reports and thinking about finishing up our daily logs for this week, 

my heart aches,

tears are flowing,

and I am questioning.

I know and believe in my heart the Lord opened the doors for us to be here at the Methodist Boys Ranch

but today I am not too sure.

The last 2.5 days have been a living nightmare here.

Boys doing what they want, when they want,

regardless of what either Ron or I say to them.

We don't ask much of them,

but I guess it is too much.

This weekend The Compassion Experience is happening here in Waco.  I am hoping the other set of house parents will take our boys to it.

To give these boys a dose of reality

and a glimpse of the real world.

They think life is so tough here,

try living in a third world country where you have no idea where your next meal is coming from or even when that meal might happen.

I was abused as a child and as a teenager

and I made a promise to myself that once I was an adult and living on my own

I would not be abused again.

But I sit here

asking why?

why am I allowing it to continue?

how many times do I allow the boys to abuse me?

verbally?

emotionally?

It's hard to write up daily logs and share what is happening with the boys when everything seems so negative.

And trying to teach these boys to be respectful to one another, to other adults, to those who care about them is doubly hard when you have an adult come into a room and start talking smack to the boys and dishing it out

and the boys feel they have no recourse 

except to do the same back to that "adult."

I am ready to step out of the situation

and say, "You know what, I gave it my all 

and the all is now empty.  I need to take care of me, take care of my relationship with my husband, take care of my marriage, take care of my soul and heart and mind.

I am thankful we are going into our off week.

I am not sure what will happen next Wednesday when we are due to be back at work.  

But I can't keep doing this.