Going Around in Circles

I woke up this morning way before the alarm was set to go off

so headed out to the living room for some study time.  

I fixed me a bottle of water, grabbed my Bible and notebook

and settled myself in the recliner.

As I began writing I asked the Lord to show me what he wanted me to focus on today.

Today is our Monday,

the first day back at work,

with lots already on the calendar:

Changeover Meeting at 9,

Normalcy Training from 10 to 12,

Ron has a follow up dental appointment at 12:50,

Pick up boys at 3:30 and then go, go and go some more.

I opened my notebook ~ it has been 16!!! days since I last spent any time in the Word, being quiet before the Lord!!!  

Where is my follow through?

What happened to my intentions?

No, don't go down the trail of beating myself up ~

it is what it is!!

No excuses!  It is what it is!!!

My mouth/teeth are killing me ~ I know I need to get back to the dentist.

What goes through my mind is FEAR of the dentist, COST of any procedures,

but the pain is so intense...grabbed a couple of Ibuprofen,

back to my Bible and spending time in God's word.

I prayed "Lord, show me what you want me to focus us today"

Luke 17:1-10

"Lord help me not to be a stumbling block to others, forgive those who hurt me, no matter how many times they hurt me,  help me to respond in Love & Respect"

and

2 Timothy 4:6-8

"Lord help me to fight the good fight, help me to finish the race strong and most importantly, help me to keep my faith strong in You!"

~ Quitting is not an option

~ Need to believe and that IT (whatever IT is) can be done

~ Do not let discouragement or unbelief set in

~ Run with purpose, keep focused on the goal

~ Don't let negative talk control me

~ Keep moving forward, keep your eyes on the end goal

~ Remember challenges can be overcome

~ Keep moving, one foot in front of the other

"Lord help me to focus on today, the moment, the Big and Short goals.  Lord help me to keep Your word on the tip of my tongue."

Hebrews 10:23

God is faithful.

The promises he makes, he keeps.

If I am determined to hold on, the fog will eventually clear.

Where does

"going around in circles"

come from...

I find myself starting over so often!

But then I am reminded that 

And so I tell myself it's okay to go in circles,

because even going round in circles the journey

is a bit different.

Thank you Lord for this journey I am on.

Thank you Lord for supplying all our needs.

Thank you Lord for loving me just the way I am,

in all my foibles and along all the circles I find myself going,

Thank you Lord for never letting me go.

Thank you Lord that you give us "redo's"

Thank you Lord for this life you have given me!

Sitting Here

Sitting here not sure if I should cry or not cry, laugh or scream.  I hate dislike that I take things so personally.  I just want to scream ~ you don't like it when people hurt you, why do you purposefully hurt me???  But why waste my  breath ~ I am sure you don't know why you do what you do.

But I know...you push away anytime we start to get close, if you push away first then it won't hurt so bad...how do I know this??  Because I did this for years.  My heart craves to be loved and liked but my mind says "no way"  you aren't going to hurt me too.

And I let him win...he egged me on all evening and then I stooped to his same behavior and yes I hate that, I am disappointed in myself.

I've been told, don't let the boys see your emotions, you must remain neutral ~~ that is so friggin' hard!!!

Today I'm ready to throw in the towel, run to avoid being hurt over and over but I can't ~ I know that God opened the doors for us to be here at the Boys Ranch and yes most days go smoothly and YES we have seen positive changes in the boys we live and work with ~ BUT it hurts so much when they attack, are disrespectful and openly defiant....I just don't have the tough skin I need...or at least it sure doesn't feel like it today.

So the choice is mine...and I am choosing to fake it till I make it; put on the smiling face and go through the motions.

I know so much influences our day-to-day ~ one of them being tired and YES we are tired ~ we have worked 36 days out of the last 47 days and yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  We have six more nights/days of work and then we will have our week off...don't really have many plans...a few doctor appointments, an appointment to get the tires rotated on the Expedition which means a walk through Costco!!  Hopefully we will get in lots of naps and true rest.

And the dynamics in our home unit have been changing...change is hard, hard on the boys, hard on us and especially hard on the new boys coming into our unit.  Tuesday one of our boys returned after being gone for 9 days and we got a new boy.  Today we are getting another new boy ~ new to us but not new to the ranch, so we know what some of the issues are going to be and I feel like I have to put on my steel armour and be ready to battle...I don't like that feeling...battles are no fun and no one really ever wins.

Add in frustration with administration of no follow through on things they say will happen or not happen.

Giving us tasks with only partial information and then getting upset with us because we didn't to it right...can't have it both ways.

You Know You Are

when both House Parents are ready to

Trying to do the best we can

when we don't have all the information

So you make a decision

then get reamed out!!!

Because it was the

thing to do!!!

Well if you want us to do the right thing

and not think for ourselves

then give us all the 

that we need to do our jobs!!!

Today is one of those 

that we question are we in the 

Continuing the Search....

to get myself organized 

and back on track 

doing the things I want/need to do.

The two biggest things I want to do yet never seem to find the time is to 

write and spend quality time with the Lord.

I am hoping that

https://compass.intentioninspired.com?kid=H28RZ

will help me get back on track.

It is called Compass.

If you would like to join me,

click on the link above.

Expectations

I wish there was a magic button to turn off expectations!

Things seem to be going well 

and then

I think I need to set a timer to go off every 30 minutes

so I won't be surprised when things change on a dime.

Things are going well and then

no cooperation,

smart alecky comments,

and then

explodes!!!

It's so hard to keep 

feelings inside,

to keep my mouth shut

and not to take things personally.

Makes me realize how much I have grown

and at the same time realize how

much my past behavior was so hurtful to so many.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock with the knowledge I have today;

back to when our boys were little, 

to their young teenage lives,

to their teenage years.

But I can't!

What I can do is learn from the past,

make positive choices today,

and continue to trust the Lord to be with me/us

as we do our work here

Trying to remember the good things,

Saturday night being asked by one of our boys to buy him a Bible

Sunday buying that Bible

and laughing and joking with all the boys.

Making 

on Sunday and watching one young man eat 8!!! yes 8 pancakes

and

making

this morning and watch that same young man eat 6!! yes 6 waffles!!!

Sitting here in tears

wanting to yell at someone

instead choosing to 

write and write some more!!

Was going to send a 

email to a couple of friends

and decided against that.

Decided instead to write here ~

and try to 

I turned the TV off, 

one boy is playing games on his phone,

one boy is at athletics,

one boy is playing on the XBox

and one is outside being watched by my sweet hubby!!

So thankful he able to remain 

calm and patient

when all I want to do is react!!!