Do You Ever Wonder Why?

As I sit here in our little apartment I keep asking myself

"how did we get to this mess today?"

And then ask, "Lord I don't know what to do, I am feeling helpless and alone." I read scriptures of peace, peace in my heart and soul and yet there is so much turmoil.  I question every thing that is going on.  Why are we currently having so many issues with the boys (not all of them but three very strong willed, loud and self-entitled attitudes) and I just want to cry but alas one boy says "that means you are weak."  

No, I don't think I'm weak I think I wear my emotions on my sleeve and feel at 150% everything...yes another strong willed person right here.  I keep asking over and over, why is so hard for these boys to do the bare minimum that is asked of them ~~

~ make your bed each day

~ clean up your personal area

~ keep your closet clean enough so it doesn't STINK!!

~ keep your dresser top clean and organized

and do one daily chore

It could be: your bathroom, your bedroom, the laundry room, the TV room, the front/back porches, the foyer/halls

but we are told we are demanding,

we pick on them,

we yell at time ~ Yes I do sometimes

Oh and we ask you to be respectful of your home parents and those in authority, even told by administrators and unit managers "it's not okay for them to cuss at you."  Really then why are there no consequences for when they do, not just once but over and over.  Consequences ~ not around here, the boys do what they want, when they want, tell you you can't tell them what to do because we are not their parents.

You are so right young man, we aren't your parents, we have taken on the responsibility of caring for you, trying to teach you right from wrong, how to be smart and responsible young adults, we love on you when you are in an unlovable mood,  we buy you things so you don't feel ignored and left out, you go on more activities  in a month then most kids being reared in a "normal" family do in a year.  

I feel like right now I am the 

who continues to try to figure out what could I be doing differently?

What do I need to do or say to break through your hard shell.

How do I reach that young man inside?

Maybe 

Maybe, 

my time here is done.  

I know that Ron and I have made an impact on some of these boys

but with all the pushback,

hatred, negativity coming our way

it's time to move on.

I know I have asked this question before and now the question is when do I/we say yes it's time to go.  There are boys here who we have lots of hope for, want to encourage and be there for them and so then the question comes, do we let a few boys pull/send us away and then wonder what about the others.  

I wish I could say

"Hey God, yeah, we need your help, 

can you please be specific in what you want us to do and how you want us to proceed."

Guess there's nothing much else to say.

So guess its time to work on the laundry.

Sitting Here

This morning as I sit at my laptop working on weekly reports and thinking about finishing up our daily logs for this week, 

my heart aches,

tears are flowing,

and I am questioning.

I know and believe in my heart the Lord opened the doors for us to be here at the Methodist Boys Ranch

but today I am not too sure.

The last 2.5 days have been a living nightmare here.

Boys doing what they want, when they want,

regardless of what either Ron or I say to them.

We don't ask much of them,

but I guess it is too much.

This weekend The Compassion Experience is happening here in Waco.  I am hoping the other set of house parents will take our boys to it.

To give these boys a dose of reality

and a glimpse of the real world.

They think life is so tough here,

try living in a third world country where you have no idea where your next meal is coming from or even when that meal might happen.

I was abused as a child and as a teenager

and I made a promise to myself that once I was an adult and living on my own

I would not be abused again.

But I sit here

asking why?

why am I allowing it to continue?

how many times do I allow the boys to abuse me?

verbally?

emotionally?

It's hard to write up daily logs and share what is happening with the boys when everything seems so negative.

And trying to teach these boys to be respectful to one another, to other adults, to those who care about them is doubly hard when you have an adult come into a room and start talking smack to the boys and dishing it out

and the boys feel they have no recourse 

except to do the same back to that "adult."

I am ready to step out of the situation

and say, "You know what, I gave it my all 

and the all is now empty.  I need to take care of me, take care of my relationship with my husband, take care of my marriage, take care of my soul and heart and mind.

I am thankful we are going into our off week.

I am not sure what will happen next Wednesday when we are due to be back at work.  

But I can't keep doing this.