Monday, April 9, 2012

Reality, Faith and Thoughts

A lot of things have been happening as most of you know.  And yesterday as I was waiting in the clubhouse to have Easter dinner that nasty Satan tried to enter my mind.  I found myself wondering "What are we going to do?  Do we start driving somewhere?  We have enough money to go about 800 miles.  I am scared and worry is starting to creep in."

And then I said out loud and yet quietly "OK, LORD, you say you know the plans you have for us, you told me that on Wednesday morning before confusion, disbelief, shock set in and we were fired.  Lord, help me to keep my focus on you, see the blessings we have (so many friends commenting on my blogs, on Facebook and through email) that I know we are not alone.  Forgive me for letting doubt creep in just a few minutes ago."  And then I walked away to say hello to some people and sat down and shared a delicious meal ~ the only thing that would have made it better was if there was dessert, making new friends and visiting with them for two hours.  And the worry and anxiety was gone.

Had a very relaxing late afternoon and evening with my hubby.  We sat outside enjoying the beautiful sunshine, listening to families laughing and playing in the swimming pool, reading and napping (Ron).  Later in the evening we had something I have not made in years: bacon and cheese toasted sandwiches ~ yummy!  Watched Amazing Race & Celebrity Apprentice before heading off to bed.  Slept well and woke refreshed about 7:15 this morning.

And then the mind began racing.  I got up, made myself some licorice tea, got caught up in my Guideposts Daily Planner ~ I write down each morning what we did the day before.  And I hadn't written in it since we left San Antonio to go on vacation!  So I started with Wednesday, April 4th through yesterday and then backed up to March 23rd.  All caught up now.  Then I read my devotion for this morning.  "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."  I Cor. 2:9 and then I pondered on those words.  Feeling encouraged that once again God has shown me that He knows what the plans are that he has for us even though we have no clue, no idea.  Thanks for the reminder Lord.  And then I read through some emails that friends have sent to us in the last few days ~ and one verse that keeps coming to mind (my paraphrase) "No need to worry, the birds don't worry about where they will find food or shelter so why should I worry?"  Easy to read but sometimes so hard to follow and do. 

And this morning it is hard to hold onto that faith and trust when inside I am wanting to cry, scream and shout ~ what happened?  why did this happen?  we had plans for the coming year and now what will happen?  And this happened to us but it affects others too ~ friends who have made plans to be with us, trips to join other friends for a weekend of fun and adventure.  And we have little money which makes me scared ~ where do we go in three weeks, actually 2 1/4 when we have to leave Medina Lake Thousand Trails?  Yes we can go park to park but do we use up the gas/money to go 250 miles and if so which direction do we head.  Do we head back toward AZ, CA, OR or WA where things are familiar or do we head towards GA where we have friends & family but then we have to pay for camping? 

I have made a list of things to do ~ should I just start going down the list and do things one at a time?  do I jump around on that list and do things in a crazy kind of order?  And then more things pop into my mind of things that need to be done...can you hear the craziness starting to roll through my mind and heart?  I can.  I even thought of posting on Facebook ~ "Does anyone want to contribute to the Ron & Ali fund to cover gas, groceries, medicine?  And then the next thought ~ does that question say I have doubt and where is my faith?  So I don't make the post on Facebook but I do share it with my friend so we can laugh about it.

I have so much to say but I feel like I have to be careful, can't and don't want to step on toes, since we don't know exactly what will happen with unemployment (we make our first claim on 4/17 and then will find out if we get any benefits) and we don't know if we are going to have to fight for the benefits or not.  Questions come to mind ~ do we have any recourse with the manner in which we were let go ~ the BOD didn't even follow their own contract with us.  Can you tell I am floundering, wondering what our next step should be.  I would love to have a sit down conversation with the BOD but believe we would be lied to as we know we have been in the past.  Can you tell I am perplexed? 
'
I so wish we were part of a close church family, that we had a good relationship with a local pastor where we could go and talk and cry and pray with and be prayed for.  I wish I was in Blaine so I could walk into Charles' office, sit in my spot on the couch and just blubber and blabber and know he would listen, give me some suggestions (which I always follow) and pray with me.  I am really missing my Northwood family and pastor/friend.

I would love to be able to go have a coffee date with my bestie so we could laugh and cry together but that's kinda hard when I am in Texas and she is in WA.

And now the tears have started to fall and it is hard to see what I am writing so I am going to close for now.  Will check in either later tonight or again tomorrow.  Ali














5 comments:

  1. It will all work out...believe me when I say that...we have been in the exact same situation but we did not have ANY cash, $0, NOTHING at all. We are not bible reading religious people, but we are spiritual and we held on and knew that it would all work out and that it was just another moment in our lives that we needed to grow and learn from. For us it is always a blessing when things get scary, it means we are growing and a great lesson of life is right there if we would only take a deep breath and allow it to surface.

    We understand totally how it feels...you really need to get out of your head and get into your heart...that is where you will find your answers.

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  2. My dear, sweet, sister ~ HE knows the plans HE has for you!! HIS plans are not always our plans (rarely! LOL!). Trust in Him. He has never let you down yet and He won't start now.

    I love you and I'm drinking coffee and sending you a hug with each sip!
    dee

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  3. Why is it that we know that God has our back but we still worry? I think it's because we still have to make plans, etc. It seems to me that Texas is not the best place for you right now and that maybe you are meant to do some more traveling from job to job, which also would fulfill your dreams of seeing more of the sights. I recall that you have had lots of times of headaches, sickness, etc. recently and maybe that job has been more toxic than you even realized. Keep the faith, Ali, and just be glad to make it through each day. Make the best plans you can and leave the rest up to God. Try not to be discouraged. I know it's hard! :)

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  4. Ohhh...so sorry to hear that you are feeling distressed and sad and alone. I hope that by today, things are looking up and that all seems to be at least beginning to fall into place. Try to remember that the world is a cornucopia of resources. You just have to stay open so that you can see what you need right there in front of you. Blessings to you.

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  5. I always like to remember the words of the song, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." As I have been learning these last few months, His plan for our lives doesn't always go hand in hand with what we planned for our lives. But as it turns out, His plans are INFINITELY better!!! Daily I am amazed by His provisions for us. With all the changes going on in our lives, He just keeps getting better and better! Matt's new job starts Monday and he is blown away by the reception he's getting there, and all that they are doing for him. And we got amazing news a few weeks ago that the risk factors for our baby are less than 1 in 10,000 which is the lowest risk factor any woman of any age can have, when I was prepared for a risk factor of 1 in 250 to 1 in 500 (given my "advanced maternal age." God is so far beyond good, I can't even think of a word to describe it!

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